Reading Kristin
Lavransdatter
“What do you hear from your sister?” Uncle Albert
asked. This was Monday on our way to my appointment with Dr. Feight. And Uncle
Albert meant Moira, my dead sister, not Hannah, the alive one. He asks because
he thinks it’s nuts that I get letters from a dead sister. That’s why he asks
me about it on the way to Dr. Feight’s because Dr. Feight is in charge of
“nuts.” Almost every week, he asks about it.*
I told
him I’d brought a letter to read to Dr. Feight. “You’re mentioned in it,” I
said.
He didn’t
reply, and I didn’t look at him because I was paying attention to my driving.
He didn’t reply. It happens more and more. He asks a question then falls asleep
before you can answer – even in the car.
I read Dr. Feight the letter from Moira.
Dear Ted,
I see you are making
plans again. Is that going to make it any better? But, maybe, for you, it is. You
seem to like a plan. You’re anxious until you have one. Then, sadly, you’re
anxious about its working. It’s not until you begin making a plan that you also
begin to think about how it could go wrong.
 |
| Uncle Albert yukking it up with Sigrid Undset Copenhagen, 1940 / by m ball |
How are you getting along with Kristin
Lavrandsdatter? Are the characters as hemmed in and sad about their choices
as I remember them? Is anyone going to get any release? I forget, it’s been so
long ago.
I wondered often as my life was winding
down about how I could get release, maybe by taking a vacation from
myself. No, I didn’t know that it was winding down; I didn’t know when
it would end (though I never imagined it lasting as long as Uncle Albert’s
has – how is he by the way?). I did know it was growing tighter and tighter as
if I were getting too fat for my clothes (when I definitely was not!); but I was
living in a smaller and smaller emotional space, there was less and less
nearby room to escape into. Thus, the idea of a vacation! – getting somehow
away from nearer-by to farther away. But where? And how?
Reading Kristin Lavransdatter was
not the answer. Reading was not the answer. I read much as I imagine you
read now (from what you write about your reading, what you’ve written about Kristin).
You don’t so much go to the book as it comes to you. You don’t lose
yourself in it, but you are always present, wondering why? why? why? Or, you’re
thinking, “This is just what I would do! How can she be so stupid?”
You’re always judging what the characters are thinking and doing and simultaneously
judging yourself. At least, that’s what I did, and reading ceased to be a joy;
it became an exercise, increasingly demanding and draining.
Sometimes drugs helped, especially mixed
with a little alcohol – and the alcohol mixed with a little company if I could
get myself out and I could find someone to talk (or listen) to. But that was
hard. Who would want to talk with me who didn’t want to talk with herself?
I’m a little easier about things now.
Sometimes it’s good to be dead, not pressed by time or space - where there is neither (in any sense I
understood before; nor can I explain it now – don’t ask!). There is no
harrying, no hurrying.
So, don’t you be in a hurry to get
started on new plans. The sooner you do, the sooner you’ll be looking for the
wrong turns you’re about to make. Take your time in getting started. Take your
time once you do.
I don’t know what else to say at the
moment. I sense that reading this is only going to make you both more
determined and sadder. I am sorry for that. Neither is the result I want for
you. I only want you to be happier.
Please, please, be more lighthearted, my
beloved brother,
Moira
“May I see
it,” Dr. Feight said.
“Well,” I said, “it’s just a copy I typed
out.”
“Hmmm,” he said. Then, “Is this right? Is
this the way you read?” he asked.
“Pretty much,” I said.
08.21.19
_______________
* Dramatis
Personae. The Uncle Albert page still isn’t ready. But you can read about
how (and why) he accompanies me to my appointments with Dr. Feight here. And
about Moira here.
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